so far...

on wednesday, i got a call from hark music, where i learn guitar from, saying that i am shortlisted as a guitarist for their performing team.

woot!

though its nothing much to brag about, im just excited because i will be going down later for the briefing.

i remember going into the performing studio packed with fellow auditionees and a temperature meant for penguins, polar bears and stiff nipples.

it was a good thing to be late because i got the last auditioning slot. the bad thing was, i was frickin numb by the cold when i got up the stage.

i wa pretty confident because it was a song i had been playing for a few months now. i remember i really really, really, wanted to play the guitar after listening to this song.

Cayman Islands from the Kings of Convenience

i know it was just an above average song to show your skills with, it was a beautiful song.

i walked on the stage with a cool air about me. i sat down on the tall stool and told them i was Travis. i kept the part about remembering that name under the mic just nice

i played with my heart, and showed my love for the song on stage, to make up for the techniques i lack.

when i was totally engrossed with plucking the strings for the ending, my once dormant left leg t went nuts. it went from a nice healthy rhythmic tapping that helped, it convulsed into minor spasms. oh my fucking goodness

i thought i could lay my feet flat so it would stabilise, but i realise it was because i could not do that, thats why i was straining it through out the performance, by the 4th minute it gave way and started to do an Elvis on me.

so the only way left to tame it was to lean backwards. and it was just a coincidence i was going into the ending solo.

so i was looking really engrossed, leaning back like a pro playing the solo

woot ultimate showboating ftw!

for the truth, im just 9 months into guitar, and that after all the nice praise for the song i did, its only because its the only whole song i can memorise.

haha sry if i broke whatever positive image you had of me


well im just a little frustrated right now cuz i hadn't touch the guitar in a while. now that i finally have a little time to do that today, i have not recovered from the finger cut right in the finger tips of my left index.

i got it when i was cutting some double sided tapes a few days back. ok laugh if you want.... its pretty deep though

anyways thats about it. good nights and oh happy belated birthday to you


jan

a thing about pity

i've never really liked the word.

nobody with enough pride to stand on their own in anyway should be pitied upon.

i know i wouldn't have reacted that way if the word wasn't mentioned.

its a word that triggers alot of emotions in me.

its the bastard son of Despise.

and yes i despise it.

the stupidest thing in life is forgetting your true self.

change is the only constant



when the world has doubts about you.

it entices. it deceives. it corrupts. it suffocates.

though your heart may be unwilling but when you finally give in, you don't get the liberation you were promised. it kicks you in the teeth when you bowed in submission. spitting in your face and laughing at your stupidity.

then you realise it was all lies, lies just to see you forsake your Self.

every divorce with your Self is filled with regret. when it starts to fade away like a lost lover. you start to chase it all over again. asking yourself why did you let it slip away. slip away to such pressure. when did the love with your Self become a public affair. nothing was worth to show the them at all.

all along, the love was just meant for 2 anyway.

after a while, you will start seeing a new Self grow. some have entirely different ones. some found something similar to the old one.

some never had a Self since.

because nothing will amend the betrayal. the old Self would never come back.

for those in the know, you might think i'm just trying to parrellel things abstractly here with what has going on with my life.

let me just say this. once.


i've always believed in loving your lover as much as yourself. when you ever find a contrast in the balance, you dont really need to convince yourself that other reasons exist for the disparity.

its only because you know that nobody else deserves your love as much as yourself.


Selfishness is the root of your Self and theres no denying it that it exists. any other reasons will just make you seem foolish.

we all just want to stay true ourselves. nobody deserves to be deprived of this nature.

don't direct aggression to this comparison i gave, for i feel its only natural for me to write it in this way i feel is best.

like the last post,

i'm sorry to have mislead any minds to think the way i did not intend for. maybe it was the choice of words that held you by the hands thru the maze. or if you prefer, blame it on the overworked mind.

all i had intended was an analysis of my philosophy and myself

yet i'm proud of it in some ways. because it actually held another meaning i did not know exist.

the stupider thing in life is being your true self

if you were to characterise yourself with words, what would be the first that comes up in your head?

for me, sarcastic popped first.

i'm all to familiar with that word. i embrace is with open arms because i appreciate the beauty of it. being able to sound witty and cool at times, or just laying the insidious backlash on the unknowing victim. i manipulate it with astonishing ease in sinful comfort. it twirls around my tongue patiently for the prey that deserves its attention. the sweet ring of silence that lies in the wake of utter domination. i love it.

yet, i despise it as much as i admire it.

first for the subtlety it prides on. how glorious it is to creep in the shadows.

for none as damaging as sarcasm it is for human ties to crumble. to summon so much discord with a flick of the tongue, is absurd. friendships have failed because of it. chances might have dissipated in a blink. destinies might have changed charts

all this because of a moment of folly. the adminstration of carefully picked out words, built solely to destroy. none was meant to be salvaged. a serrated blade that is burrowed on your back, and you can't bloody pull out the bitch

because i know it all too well. i ask with my heart and all the lesser experiences i have had.

is it worth it?

is it worth to dent the bond that is shared, that you have built over the years or months with the time that you will never ever get back. whatever happened to the moments you spent with this person, laughing, gossiping, talking about your dreams, even sharing inimate secrets. how you have come to appreciate this person and taking him as your friend or even closer.

i'm not whining about being around sarcastic people all the time. but so what when some associates sarcasm with their egoistic humor and wit they pride themselves with. they rely on a pivot to look good, sound good actually. they never really stand up like the man who return blows head on.

but really, i'm just talking about myself

nobody who has ever shed their love for you however little, deserves such manner of conduct. for a dent is a dent, a scar. no matter how much love is poured back in, it will never be the same.


i learnt this the hard way. for i've wreaked enough to know. its a burden.

and i'm still learning to keep that tongue out of sight all though it rears its ugly tip now and then.

its one of those things you keep away in the dark, away from people.

i'm sorry if you had the chance to see my Self.

hey why should i be sorry for being myself?


for all that cockiness, yet soon, i will bow apologetically before you for forgiveness.

you see, all because i'm human. i know of limitations. i know myself too well for that big head that exudes sheer ignorance. i am a masochistic in that sense.

i find the need to suppress my own views with those that are derived from nowhere but its just my analytical mind working overtime.

i'm just highly critical of myself and what i do, to keep me in check all the time. to not step out of lines. patrolling every corner of the street, to prevent the ugly things beneath the skin from showing.

i wont glorify it as discipline, no i wont. because this is just one of my many simple self contradictions or denials.

lol... still with me? or your already getting out of this web of confusion




people have this thing for each other.

its invisible, its measurable. its a defensive mechanism. its a judge of character. its called tolerance.

because people hate Selfs they dont want to see. lousy characters who flashes their inner beauty can have fun with their sucky selfs till the next big bang comes along.

for those who have it for each other, they snuggle with each other's true self like its their own.

for the other balance, they just stop.

human love is all about tolerance.

when its gone,

Self will come knocking.








one of my Self

the stupid thing in life is not being your true self.

the stupid thing in life is not being your true self. yes i speak chinese, can't lead, hate study, exercise n wear casual. So!

the above inspired this post. it is my pri sch bud's msn nick these few days.




i have always suspected myself being a walking contradiction. whatever i do, however i behave.

ANYTHING!

okay that was a littleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee exaggerating.

but i think its just fine on my terms. =)


have you ever done something before, that made you think damn i could have done better, damn i shouldn't have done that or i could have given it more thought. most of my contradictions come from that. lets meet Regret.

lets see. have you ever regretted anything? hope it wasn't too bad.





those words above are a few weeks old, but i'll keep it that way cuz i dont like to go back on my words. a little insight for you guys to see whatever had been on my mind at that point of time.

well i wasn't about to start writing anything at this kind of hour and knowing i have to work in a few hours, i was just bothered by the smell of burnt herbs that my mom made by going to bed without turning off the stove

but now that i have gathered my thoughts in the middle of the night, allow me to ask you forget those words and look at this with a fresh mind. =P

lying in my bed gives me inspiration all the time. it goes into overdrive in especially past midnight. sometimes it hints that the tv these days misses me. other times it just clouds my head with thoughts you wouldn't want to know. or it just reminds me that my stomache is too empty to be sleeping on.

this time it inspired me to challenge myself. to finish this goddamn post that i started a few weeks ago... i've to say this has been on my mind all along, i never forgot about this at all, i just did not know how to start it. i was dried up. with work. with everything that had happened.

i know you must be saying whatttttt and you had time to go write all those stupid chinese crap and not have time to work on this. well yeah haha thats me, although i know exactly what i wanted to convey, i was just looking for the best way to start this thats all. thats all.



so i started to ask myself, what does it mean to be true to yourself.

to me, it means being comfortable. being able to freely express your core with no inhibitions of sorts.

we all have this core that exists for us to identify with. it lives to remind ourselves of our own ways. and not to sway. and it just makes you happy to be able to sync with it

i have always believed we are creatures who lived for feelings. we are constantly looking for stimulations that keep us going. be it the creativity you get from staying awake at night, or watching tv shows that gives you no time for anything else. anything goes.

right now, i'm looking for that subtle euphoria.

i'm not comfortable right now. thats why








not because im tired heh i'll try to continue on tomorrow

for now i'll tease you abit with this

along the way, the people i've seen. personalities and behaviours of different kinds or the ones like mine, reminds me alot of myself. looking the helplessly strong, or having exaggeratingly dull conversations, or sometimes meeting the philosophically succinct. perhaps deep inside i have this tendency to try to relate to them.

looking at their faces, the body language, the words they use, the way it comes out of their lips, scrutinizing every inch of their aura, determining where this person falls in to. the wannabe or the king of the hill are just one of the many names i have for the people out there.

for every person i met, i vowed to learn something from them, be it their loud and in your face kind of personality, or the soft spoken kind of hospitality. sometimes, when time is not a given, all i needed was the first impression to derive from, to supplement the inexhaustible knowledge greedy mind.

vacuuming all the details and information into the endless pit of greed. i take my time to peel the onion. savouring the scent of the fresh peels, enjoying the little bursts of moist that crackle in to my face. logically determining that, that was why the tears fell. so far so good. this new experience that is. crying for no emotional reason, i am intrigued. let it sting i said. so i abused myself longer till the layers of onion lie scattered, dead, on the floor.

so THAT is Onion.

星期六下午

红色铅笔， 没有方向
一叠空白， 覆盖桌上

首往云海，勾出过往
思念一行，蔓延一张

拒绝牛奶，从不加糖
享受一杯，甜蜜喜欢


wrote this by the pool last saturday, could not get past the first 4 words till a while ago. rewrote it over and over again.



havent touched my guitar in 2 days, havent gotten to putting up the pics yet. still having a head of wet hair at 1243am

now i'm really screwed, aint got enough sleep these few days and i feel the fatigue building up.

greato!


nights,

jan

距离

在很久以后
在遥远的宇宙
只剩下一个我
孤单的等候

我用我双手
拒绝了邂逅
换来这一生
银河的飘流

另一个宇宙
在寂寞的时候
希望你也会
偶尔想起我



i got these lines in my head while i was humming the theme from howl's moving castle.

i tailored it to suit the music, you can try fitting it in =)

i know i should have updated sooner but coming back at after 9 everyday just drained a little bit of my writing mojo..

hopefully i'll get that long post up by next sun, i've been working on it since 2 weeks ago =\

lazy ass