problems... we all have it.

as he stays up one night, licking his wounds. he remembers an advice someone ever gave him. someone who was a friend, someone he lost to the flames he raised. he was told, to understand others, you must first know yourself. he could not understand it at that moment back then, but now he knew it was spoken with sincerity and experience. how he regretted he only understood a little more now..


we all have problems to deal with...

we don't really have much time for other's problems when we already have our hands full

it was all about surviving


and all this kid wanted to do was to survive. he knows that his problems were only his problems. if he could not solve it, nobody else would. he was brought up this way.

during his service, he had been fused with the cynical ways of looking at people. sizing them up before he could get to know anything. trusting only his instinct. which had already turned lopsided with extreme self defence. he was wary of everyone. they seemed to have an agenda. the agenda was to make him fall. it was him and the world with a clear line between.

whatever happened to the boy who had the open mind to see things so clear, so positively naive. the one who could trust anyone so easily he was always getting tricked of his toys when young.

the good in him knew he could not afford to let his life be so emotionally driven, he had to stop it from spilling. he always tried to protect his personal life from his pent up feelings built up from the camp. he always left the camp gates without his emotional walls. or so he thought.

it had crept silently in the shadows of his subconsciousness... following him everywhere. taxing him emotionally till everything had silently broke down. cleverly disguising itself in his arrogant pride in being strong. he was already fighting a lost battle.

as every minute went by for him, the issues seemingly mutated into something bigger, meaner, eviler. it just never went away. he put on a stoic mask to prevent anyone from knowing. it was leaking out by the minute. he never noticed he was filling bucket riddled with holes

by now, the waves of insidious issues had overwhelmed him. it had shrouded him, subtlely changing him from inside, without facing any resistance. amplifying every negative detail he tried to suppress in vain. turning the self righteous core into the villian it never tried to be.

his breakdown was showing.. he found it hard to laugh at comedies. his speech was lacking positive tones. he did not realise his smile had turn from a mischevious up turned one, to a tired but approving grin and finally a shrivelled weak smirk was all he mustered. his muscles has given way to the unnecessary need to look intimidating.

he became the social monster who spoiled many evenings with his love and friends. his presence was enough to killjoy

it caused pain and irritance to his friends, it caused pain to his love. but he never knew. the alter ego was slowly slipping in everytime he did not notice. he thought he was dealing with it comfortably. he thought it was all under control.
the stoic behaviour he had conjured

perhaps it was his ego, that no one cared to tell him about the fish that slipped away.

perhaps it was his arrogance that he did not want to admit the weariness he identified with weakness

but really, perhaps it was just man's natural cry for help that was unnoticed



after a while, the girl asked him about it. at first he was genuinely suprised that someone finally felt his pain after so long. then angry, that he had let anyone see it, it was meant for himself, no one deserved to share his burden, most of all not this girl. little did he realise, he was just ashamed of being seen as meek. he might not have admitted it that night, because he had almost burst into tears. somewhere deep inside all the corruption, he finally felt understood.

but it was all too late... he had been fuelled to expel all his pent up emotions onto the poor girl. it felt good, it felt right. his corrupted mind thought gleefully. deep down he felt better, because after so long he had finally released some of the tension in him.

he finally took a step back from his barraging when he saw tears welling up in her eyes, he knew he was horribly wrong. he knew he was disgusting through and through. he did not want to know he was the one who caused the tears to fall. how he dared to break her heart this way, he would never know. he could blame his inner demons, he could say anything in the world so touching that made angels cry, he knew he would never ever mend the heartache that he had caused.

unbelievably her love was strong enough to endure him for a while more, perhaps waiting for a good reason to grant forgiveness, but it was in vain. he never woke up from that. for his inquistive nature blinded him with the quest for the truth. he questioned her tears. he had to know, he had to be sure, he couldn't really think logically already. not once she said why the tears fell the way they did.

they didnt talk much about that, though he knew something was amiss. the warmth from her hands were lost. her kisses seemed different. he was helpless and frustrated further he could not find the truth. they could not even talk about their problems with the straightforwardness he enjoyed. but then again, they never did talk that way before.

he felt confused why he had to deserve such cold heart. instinctively he knew it was the things he had slew upon her. but he had to know the truth, he hated guessing. on their next date, he repeatedly reminded himself not to screw it up. because he knew, his breaking point was near.
in fact it wasn't knocking on the door, it was hovering above him. waiting for the perfect moment to lay the proverbial straw on him.

as things go the way they usually do, he was bound for regrets. he finally broke out on her with a final onslaught of uncontrollable childishness that didnt seem real to him, even now. it was to be their last date.

he never found out why she had cried until much later. when he finally woke up from his nightmare. but it was all too late. she was leaving him for good

all along, he had thought the world imposed problems on him. his pride and self proclaimed uniqueness filled him with blind faith in his strength to over come whatever challenges. it had devoured him inside long ago.

now he knew, he was the problem.

it was cruel for him to only realise after it was too late. all too late for any salvation with her. all too late for redemption of any kind. not even an apology seemed to suffice. he could only look at the bottle opener he ever received, and reminsce their better times.

he had finally found a job to solve a big chunk of his on going problems. he could help his family out financially. he could get the guitar he had been wanting for a few months. he could perhaps take up piano lessons. he could finally bring her out on better dates. her birthday was coming and he could finally bring her for a holiday he had secretly planned for months. he could finally be free to do things he was not able to a few months back. he was raring to live a better life.

most of all he could finally give her the best he had promised to himself.

he had wanted to keep everyone happy. but he was never strong enough

he thought he just needed a little bit more time to get himself on track

alas, he was not given any.

he threw it all away in a moment of rash weakness

it was too late for anything

he would never know her pain.

he could never look in to her eyes again without forgiving himself..





back then, he had naively thought he only had to survive the abuse. so he had put up barriers to delude himself. he thought it would intimidate and solve problems.

he never realised, it was just a cover up for his weaknesses all along. he was not strong enough to look them in the face and weed out the issue once and for all. he took it passively, and avoided all conflicts. he thought he came out the victor. he was proud of it. he never heard the humiliating cackles the world had thrown at him from behind. only now he knows.

he was livid at his own stupidity, his weakness. he did not want to admit any of it all along.

with anaemia he was born with, he knew he could not last on the field like the rest of his mates. he would make it up for his vision, team work and industriousness while he could still give. he liked making up for things he could not change. it was his nature. thats what made him feel special, for he would work his way out of anything by working around it. his creativity was honed this way, but it was credit to his talent to make it so versatile.

he made sure he never submitted to his natural deficiency, he never talked about it if he could. he never admitted it to himself. he was obsessively delusional about being strong.

he knew he was capable of being the most manipulative hypocrite in the world, just so he could get things done his way. but that was only exactly what the people were back in the camp. the people he detested, the people who made him so unhappy. how could he ever treat anyone in the ways he was extremely disgusted with. he did not want to be like them. because no one deserves that. not even his foes. he did not want to hurt anyone.

it was important for him to be true to himself and the world.

so he made it a point that he gave his best in everything he tried. he wanted to be able to give, for it made him feel strong. he always strived to be the good guy, he wanted to emit all the positivity he had and hide the unwanted ones.

he never spoke about his problems with anyone. he was afraid to pass on the bad energy. because he knew everyone had their own negativity to deal with. he didnt want to add on to theirs.

just because he was the good guy. and good guys supposedly dealt with their own problems.

he never looked at his problems in the eye. he did not realise that at all. all he did was cover up the weakness which he dare not admit. he was a coward in fact. deep down he was afraid of failure, rejection and disappointment. he hated feeling like that. so he took ingenious ways to avoid them all together. take it out of the equation. it was how he survived, it was his way of life.

but universal life was all about balance. good and bad things coexists since the beginning of time. no matter how you see it, they needed each other to exist. therefore, they only exist when you start to brand things in ways of good or bad. it was a flawless work of god.

his feebleness was further exposed when he could not contain his troubles. the negativity spilled over and infected him through and through. by then the world already knew, save only him.

nobody said anything, nobody cared. for he was right all along, thats the way the world was. you solved your own problems. nobody should share them with anyone. it was the cake nobody wants a piece of. the weird emo kid in class everybody avoided. the social misfit everyone detest.

he had finally realised the world was laughing at him.

the ways he once thought were paths of the strong and good, were now nothing but crumbled lies he had deceived himself with.

the resilience he thought he possessed was a false god.

now he knows he can never be true to himself or the world if he wants to fit in. he has to be strong enough to suppress his feelings that day and fake a smile to all the social police, waiting to catch people like him. an inevitably painful divorce with himself. for no one wants a piece of his problems.


when the world says your wrong, who's supposed to be right

the world was never meant for people like him, he once thought with anger

it was a cruel revelation when he knew he was not meant for the world as it is

over night, everything there was to be lost was gone. his principles, his spirit, his friends, his love, himself.

now he has to learn his life all over again.

the way its said to be.

he just need a little bit more time now....

to get rid of this problem the world is having now


how are you surviving yours so far?



this boy doesnt really cares already if anyone bothered to read thus far. the walls of texts were just meant for him to release his pent up energy. its not meant as an explanation for anything that had happened. it will be the last entry written with a true self, and wont give a shit if anyone thinks otherwise. cuz he's got a new life to learn about and cant be bothered with your problems with him


as he stays up one night, licking his wounds. he remembers an advice someone ever gave him. someone who was a friend, someone he lost to the flames he raised. he was told, to understand others, you must first know yourself. he could not understand it at that moment back then, but now he knew it was spoken with sincerity and experience. how he regretted he only understood a little more now..